Nobody likes you.....

This past Friday we celebrated my son's 12th birthday. He decided to have 3 friends stay the night. We picked each boy up and then headed out for the evening's activities.

The conversation flowed non-stop and it was hysterical. Who knew middle school boys could be so funny yet so unaware of just how funny they are ? I'll give you an example:

Son: This boy at school always makes fun of people. I told him "I'd be careful about picking on people. I mean, come on, your name is Curtis."

Son's friend: You're a namist.

Our initial plans had been to go to Kemah Boardwalk but after finding out several rides were closed, we were trying to decide what to do instead. One boy pipes up with an opinion and another says "Be quiet. Nobody likes you." They all laugh and go on with the conversation. I try to imagine this happening in a car full of girls.

Last year my son had these same 3 boys over for a sleepover. We picked each one of them up and then went to Main Event which is an arcade on steroids. Once we got to Main Event I didn't see them until they had used all of the credit on their game cards. It's the conversation in the car on the way home that is memorable.

I had been telling the boys about a woman who confronted my mother in a tire store. Here is the conversation in it's surreal entirety:

Son: How old was the woman who yelled at Momo?

Me: I don't know.....50s I think.

Son's friend: I'll bet she smelled weird.

Me: Why do you say that?

Friend: Last time I saw my grandmother she smelled weird.

Me: When was the last time you saw your grandmother?

Friend: At her funeral.

Me: .............

Friend: Yeah, it was sad. If you think pizza would make you feel better at time like that, you'd be wrong.

The rest of the boys bobbed their heads knowingly. Some statements are so profound they require no more than a simple nod of agreement.

A kinder, gentler "Whatever"

Even though a simple "Whatever" serves as a comeback in a plethora of situations, it is becoming overused and is, let's admit, a tad bit rude.

When my daughter was around 2 or 3, she would say "Whatever you say, you don't say." She said this when she was told to do something she didn't want to do. This would include: " Stop beating the Christmas popcorn container like a drum," "Please don't swing the cat around by his ears," or "Yes, you have to wear underwear everyday." At the time we thought the phrase to be a sign of genius.....a simple yet polite way to say "WHATEVER!"

As time has passed, we have come to see it not only as a sign of our daughter's genius (more of that in a later post) but really and truly the perfect response in many situations. (plus it has the added benefit of making you look more intelligent than putting your fingers in your ears and loudly singing "La la la la la la")

Restaurant hostess: "I'm sorry but the only seating we have available is in the crying baby/chain smoking section."

You: "Whatever you say, you don't say."

Recently a friend told me a story. She was giving her 5 year old sister, Mikayla, an explanation about some subject the kindergartner wasn't interested in hearing. Mikayla flipped her pigtail over her shoulder and said "I don't need to learn that today."

I'm thinking of adding this to my repertoire of kinder, gentler responses but I'm not sure it will work without the pigtail flip.

Fat Girl Catalog

Imagine how excited (or escited as Ruby would say) I was to get a new Macy's catalog in the mail. Then imagine my dismay at seeing that Macy's had sent me the FAT GIRL CATALOG!

Yeah, that's right. The Fat Girl Catalog! You know the one....plus size models, empire waist tops, doodads around the collar to draw attention to the face, elastic waist pants....that catalog.

Okay, now I'd be the first to admit I am not skinny or any other adjective associated with svelte-ness. I'm what you'd call curvy. Rubens would have loved me...I'm just sayin'.

I don't shop in the plus size department so I have to wonder: is Macy's trying to tell me something? "Time to move up. Your pants are too tight." "We've noticed some spillage in your shirts. The safety pin isn't working anymore." Since when did Macy's take the place of your grandmother? You know the one who talks about you like you're not in the room even when you're in the room? The one who tells you when you're butt's gotten bigger? That grandmother.

While I acknowledge that I will never be shopping in single digits again short of some kind of science fiction mind wipe, I'm not shopping in Women's World either.

So, Macy's, thanks for the not-so-gentle nudge but for now I'll keep my safety pins and just so you know, those times I wondered into the Juniors' department were for my daughter.